My NICU Journey: Embracing the Miracles Amidst the Challenges

In the episode, I share my heartfelt journey, recounting the challenges of my son's birth at 25 weeks gestation.  The experience taught me that resilience and hope can shine through the storms and embrace miracles every step of the way. 

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charlotte@charlotteedwardscoaching.com
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Transcript

0:02

Welcome to The Seed Project. It's a podcast that nourishes your heart, mind, and soul. I'm your host, Charlotte Edwards. I believe everyone plants a seed in each other, whether it's a seed of knowledge, inspiration, or impact. I created this podcast so we could have real conversations, create connections, and grow into the best versions of ourselves. Everyone has a story to tell, so let's share ours together to empower, heal, and grow. Laugh and learn. Grab a cup of coffee and let's start planting.

Samson Q2U Microphone-5 0:42

Hi, everyone. Thanks for joining me today. I'm going to switch it up a little bit and do a solo episode. This Friday is world prematurity awareness day. I thought it would be fitting for me to share my story. Of having a 25 week old son. And how that journey led me to become an NICU nurse. This podcast is all about connection and community. And I'm sharing my story. For all the mamas that I've taken care of and the ones that I continue to take care of in the NICU. So you will not feel alone in your journey

Samson Q2U Microphone-6 1:18

february 17th, 2007. It's a day that changed the complete trajectory of my life. I remember the day. Crystal clear. It was a Saturday. Sunny, bright blue skies coolness in the air. I had just gone shopping. To buy my first maternity clothes. I was all excited and nervous to be a new mom. And thrilled at the thought of my growing stomach and be able to finally. Fit into maternity clothes. My husband and I were going out to dinner. With my parents for my mother's birthday. And my will you're at dinner. I had this intense, sharp pain. And my stomach. At first, I just thought it was heartburn all my friends were telling me they ate. Tom is like candy. Because their heartburn was so bad when they were pregnant. The pain didn't subside. And I was at tears at the table. My husband and I decided to leave. On the way home, we called my OB, who suggested I take some Mylanta. I got home, got some Mylanta and ended up throwing. It all up. And it is such a blessing that this happened. Around 7:00 PM. I feel that God was watching over me because if it had been around 10 or 11 o'clock that night. I would have easily said, I'll just sleep it off and see how I feel in the morning. And I would have never made it through the night. My husband rushed me to the emergency room. And I remember the nurse taking files of blood for my lab work. Hooking me up to a fetal monitor. The doctor came in and I could see the concern all over his face. I knew this wasn't a case of bad heartburn. He quickly informed my husband and I, that I needed to have. A stat C-section to save my life and the babies. Both of us were somewhat bewildered and in shock and didn't even really know what to say. I quickly took off my jewelry and remember. Saying goodbye to my husband and getting wheel back to the O R. We didn't even have time to process what was going on. The next thing I remember. Is waking up in recovery. After having my C-section. And my husband by my side.

Samson Q2U Microphone-9 3:56

He told me that we had a son and that he weighed. One pound 11 ounces. He was stable, but they were going to have to transport him to our children's hospital, where there was a NICU. At that time, I didn't even really know what a NICU was. They were going to wheel him by. in the transport isolet before they left. And I remember them bringing in, the isolet and trying to sit up and telling my husband that I couldn't see my vision was all blurry. I remember lifting up my arm and it was covered in blood. I was oozing out blood from my incision. Then everything started. Going off all the alarm started going haywire. Everything was beeping. They quickly wheeled my son out of the room. And transferred him down to MUFC. I remember the nurses trying to get my blood pressure and hearing the doctor say, Take it again, take it again because they were not getting a good read of my blood pressure. I was bleeding out in the last thing I remember. Was it laying five pound sandbags across me to stop the bleeding before i was rushed back to the or

Samson Q2U Microphone-6 5:08

I had been in a medically induced coma. For two days. I'd woken up on my 30th birthday. I had HELLP syndrome. Help is an acronym for homolysis elevated liver enzymes and low platelet count. Essentially. Your body starts to shut down. And the only way to save your life is to deliver the baby. I just remember feeling. Claustrophobic from my arms being tied down. The tube in my throat. And I had no idea what was going on. Over the next couple of days. I was able to recover. And get the ventilator tube. Removed.

Samson Q2U Microphone 5:55

I remember. My husband showing me a Polaroid. This is pre iPhone days. I'm showing me a Polaroid. Picture. Of my baby. Before he got transported. To MUFC. I remember him telling me There is a wonderful nurse named Kinsey. Taking care of my baby and that I could call her anytime. Hmm. The kid choked up as I even say this. Even after all this time. But I remember calling Kinsey. From my hospital bed. And talking to her. And she was so kind. And relieve my stress and anxiety and told me that she would take great care of him until. I could get there to see him. Wow. Oh, gosh, I'm a 17 years later and it still comes up. I just remember her kindness in, I was so blessed to have someone. Take the time to talk to me, give me updates and be genuinely concerned. Of how I was doing and I felt reassured. That my baby was in good hands. It had been several days and he didn't even have a name yet. Because my husband and I had talked about a name, but. We thought we had time. We hadn't agreed upon one. And so finally, as I came to. We picked a name. And we named him. Adam Lagree Edwards. After my husband who was so heroic, going back and forth between two different hospitals, two different ICU. Truly not knowing if either one of us were going to survive.

Samson Q2U Microphone-10 7:57

And then Lagree after my mom's family and my grandparents I was extremely close to. And so there Lagree laid in his isolet and the NICU and I in my hospital bed in the ICU at St. Francis. Several days would go by and I was able to get my strength back. To be able to get discharged.

Samson Q2U Microphone-11 8:18

I was actually. Nervous to go see him for the first time. I mean excited, but definitely nervous. I had. No idea. What to anticipate. Never even seen a picture of what a NICU was, let alone walk through the doors of a NICU. bEing wheeled down this really long hallway and entering the NICU for the first time. And going through these different rows of babies with all this equipment. And I had no idea what it was. And then I remember getting wheeled up to his bed space. To see him for the first time. It'd been almost 10 days.

Samson Q2U Microphone-12 9:01

I was just amazed by how tiny he was. He had all these IVs and wires and. Uh, breathing too. And at that time he was under phototherapy. He had blue lights on him and then these little. Goggles like sunglasses to protect his eyes. It was just really. Overwhelming. But then I was able to open up. It's a little porthole is isolet and put my finger in his hand. And new. That we were on this journey together

Samson Q2U Microphone-11 9:43

I was able to visit for several hours that day. I was still in a lot of pain with nice staples. For my C-section and multiple surgeries. And the first day it was definitely not. When I would call a peaceful visit, he had test after test. He had. X-rays. Echocardiograms ultrasounds. I just remember when I was leaving, my head was swimming of all these new terms and words and. Just. Feeling very. Overwhelmed. I get, I know I've said that multiple times, but that was just my, My feeling of, oh my gosh. How is he going to survive? It was extremely heartbreaking. To leave him. Uh, finally got to visit him for the first time. And then after a couple hours, had to be willed away to leave. And I just had to put my trust. I trust in the nurses. And the doctors and my faith that. He would be okay. And they would take good care of him

Samson Q2U Microphone-2 10:57

I think a hard part of the journey. Is grief. Most people just think of grief as. Someone dying. But grief. Is the loss of anything. Grief is the loss of a dream. The loss of. The plan's grief is a loss of, anything that you had held? Important in your heart. And say for me, it was. The grief I didn't get to have a full pregnancy. Grief I didn't get a chance to feel my baby move inside my stomach. I wanted to be awaken in the middle of the night and feel him move I wanted, To where the maternity clothes I wanted to have the experience of. Oh my God. I think it's time to go to the hospital. The baby's coming. So. I think that that's the hard part. About the NICU as well, it's mixed emotions. You're so blessed in you are grateful. Your baby is alive. And. You feel guilty? By having grief by, grieving the loss of the dream. Grieving the loss of the experience grieving the loss of the pregnancy. Grieving the loss of the delivery. And I think that that needs to be validated because. The NICU experience is such a roller coaster ride. With so many highs and so many lows it's a mixture of emotions that are swirling around her, still a postpartum mom with all your hormone levels up and down. You are an anxious, nervous mom, because. Your baby's on life support. You don't know what each day's going to bring as you go into the NICU. And then you're also sad. You're angry. You're hurt. You're grieving the loss of. What could have been, what should have been, what you thought you wanted it to be. And It's a hard journey. And it's not something that just goes away quickly. Even when you are what I used to call the outside world. Then it gets its own little bubble. The outside world. You know, So many of your friends and family. Have stories and experiences of pregnancy or your friends are having healthy babies. You relive it relive it constantly. And it's definitely a tug between feeling blessed that your baby's alive, but then. Grieving the loss. And having time in space. That it's okay. To be sad that it didn't work out. The way that you had hoped.

Samson Q2U Microphone-18 13:59

As I was trying to deal with all of my emotions. I looked. For the positive things. I looked for the positive moments. And finally after several weeks i was able to hold him for the first time

Samson Q2U Microphone-14 14:15

I remember having my hands over his little body. Um, my chest holding him skin to skin. Closing my eyes and trying to tune out all the alarms and beeps from the monitors. And just for a moment. I feel like a normal mother. Holding their newborn baby. It was surreal.

Samson Q2U Microphone 14:42

My new normal. We get off the elevator. The eighth floor. I walked down a very long hallway. 110 steps with my stride. Have we count them one by one. Wondering what this day was going to bring. Was it gonna bring. milestone a setback. Anxiety. Fear. Joy. Can vividly hear the click. At these double doors, it would. You would enter the NICU. And walk back. And just wait to see what today would bring.

Samson Q2U Microphone-14 15:24

I had to find. The joy. The joy and the hard. The joy and the sucky situation. The joy and the chaos. Even if it was for a moment, to hold him. To put my finger in his hand. Or to visit him. I had to try to find. A joyful moment. Each and every day.

Samson Q2U Microphone 15:48

All of my friends and family. We're so supportive. But it also was extremely hard. Life in the NICU has ups and downs. I was quickly learning that. This world. And the outside world or hard to maneuver. I was in a phase where all of my friends were either pregnant. Getting pregnant, having babies. And it was very difficult for me. To navigate both. I remember. Getting. A call from a friend. Talking about her baby and how she wanted A girl in, And I just remember thinking in my head. Just be blessed that you have a healthy baby. And I. I was generally happy for her, but I realized quickly what a blessing, a healthy baby is. What a blessing to be able to give birth with no complications. I started isolating myself. From. Essentially the outside world. It was very hard for me. Too. Maintain. Conversations. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. It was hard to talk about just normal things. When. I felt like I was hanging on by a thread. agrees NICU stay. Was eventful. He, he battled a lot with infection. I'll never forget one time. And the nurse has called me. And said I needed to come in. Typically I'm already, there, but the one morning I was taking my time. I got a call to come in. That he was sick. Did he had pneumonia? I remember rushing there. Looking at him. And he was this. Dusky color gray. I didn't think he was going to survive.

Samson Q2U Microphone-15 17:48

I was sad, scared, and my heart was breaking. He battled with infection multiple times. He had pneumonia twice. Bloodstream infections, UTI eyes, the poor kid. Got everything. He was on. A ventilator or some type of ventilator. He went through. All of the types from a high frequency, Conventional oscillator, some sort of mechanical ventilation for 75 days. And I will never forget the 75th day. When we got to take the tube out. Actually see his face without any tape on it. It was a sigh of relief. It was such a hurdle. That we had overcome. A major milestone

Samson Q2U Microphone 18:45

look are you spent. 118 days in the NICU. 118. Long days. I'll never forget when I got the call. I was on the interstate. I was running up to get a couple extra baby things. I got a call from the nurse practitioner. Asking if I wanted to take my baby home today. Tears just hit my steering wheel. And I turned around as quickly as possible and called my husband. And utter disbelief that today was the day. We were going to be able to take him home. We took him home. Not the way that every baby would want to be taking him. We had to go home. And a car bed, which is a flat car seat because we failed our upright. We had to go home on oxygen and a monitor. Equipment. That would be tethered to him. For a little bit longer. But at least we were going home. Certainly don't warn you about life after NICU. I was ready just for peace. To be home with family. To enjoy my baby. Yeah, they quickly became a revolving door of appointments and therapist Every week, there'd be multiple people coming to the house, a nutritionist to weigh him. Uh, physical therapist, occupational therapist. And then we had all of our specialty follows up, follow up. The pulmonologist. The GI doctor developmental clinic. And round and round, we went. And it wasn't an easy transition home. He quickly. He wasn't gaining weight. Even though I would try feeding him. Feeding is something that we struggled with in the hospital. And then when we got home, he would just fatigue. You get tired and not eat enough. And I just remember crying over him as I would feed him. Tears falling on top of him. Please eat, please eat. Are we going to have to get back to the hospital? Safer. Um, a six more months of this. Up down and sideways. We endured. Not to say that they weren't plenty of joyful moments. There were moments of being with family. There were walks in the stroller, playing with my dogs. But there's still this cloud overhanging that we weren't home free. It really wasn't until Thanksgiving he finally started to turn a corner and. I was gaining good weight and started thriving

Samson Q2U Microphone-16 21:33

finaLly. This. NICU journey. Had come to an end. We were offered oxygen offer monitor. We were gaining good weight. And it was like a cloud finally. Lifted. Over us. It was. Beautiful. It was a blessing. It was. Quite a joyous event. After this experience, I. I started to go back to the NICU. And volunteer. I created a. Parent partner program for the NICU. I knew that these families needed. Support from some wedding. He'd been there. I think the biggest struggle, why I was in the NICU. What's the lack of connection. With other parents moms or families that were going through Similar struggles. I wanted to figure out a way to help somebody. Go through that journey. So on the GRI was about. I think 18 months old. I call the nurse manager in the NICU. And went and talked to her to see if I could start volunteering and, created this parent to parent. Support group. I would go there. Weekly multiple times a week and was able to round, on the NICU and offer support to families. That we're going through the same struggles that I had just gone through. I'll never forget. One day I was there volunteering. I got a message from the nurse manager to come into our office. I was a little surprised, hoping that I hadn't done anything wrong. Had a conversation with her. She was say genuine uplifting and encouraged me to go back to nursing school. To become a NICU nurse. And. Be able to take care of these babies and families. And so. The grease first day of preschool was my first day of nursing school. After nursing school, I was able to work in the same NICU that took such great care of my son. It's been over 10 years now. That I've been working in the NICU. And it's been such a blessing. I do remember when I got discharged. Praying and thinking. That there's some purpose to this, that God has a plan and. He had a plan for me. I didn't know it at the time. There are plenty of times that I was. Um, my niece scared. But then there were plenty of joyous moments of milestones experiences and people I got to meet as hard as the struggle. I believe that there was purpose. And. I am so blessed. To be able to care for. These babies and families. And help them on their NICU journey.

Charlotte 24:58

I appreciate you spending this time with me until next time, keep sowing the seeds of love in your life and those around you.